Letting Yourself Down

I was doing some serious thinking today and had a startling realization.

I spend literally 100% of my life trying to live up to what other people what or expect from me. I excel at work because my boss expects it of me. I do every little thing my friends and boyfriend want of me so I don't disappoint them. I keep my act together for everyone else's sake, not my own.

Why do I do this? Do I secretly like punishment? Do I like feeling like I never do enough for anyone?

I try not to let other people down because I've been letting myself down for ages.

I had potential to be something special. I had the ambition to be more than the average girl. I had all the skills, all the tools and I let it all go to waste. I tried in vain to figure out exactly when I lost that magic, but couldn't come up with an answer.

I made the most of the shambles that were left, and I think I did fairly well at that, but knowing it could have been a hundred times better weighs me down. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I feel it when I wake up every morning and my first thought is "Will today be the day I finally break under the pressure?"

I'm not trying to give myself a license to be a selfish human being. I'm just saying it's really about time I try to start living for myself and stop worrying so much about what other people need or want from me. The bridge of life can only hold so much weight before it crumbles into the sweeping river of despair.

Welcome to my new life.