Why Can't Life Just Be Simple?

Having a conversation with a good friend today, I asked him, "why can't life just be simple?" I wasn't honestly expecting a real response. Usually when you ask that question the answer is something about how today's lifestyle just isn't compatible with living simply, or that life just is what it is. His answer kind of shook me up a bit.

"Because it hurts. Life is complicated because we make it complicated. Because we care too much about other people's feelings and not enough about our own. Because we are afraid, afraid to do the things that we know will make us happy."

If you've read my past blogs, you know I talk a lot about my problem caring about others more than myself. So the fact he brings that up made me think that maybe I'm not the only one with the problem. Is there really hope?

We are afraid. Hearing that word struck a chord within me. I do honestly live every moment in fear of something. Fear of losing my relationship, losing my health, losing my mind, losing my home. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing and of disappointment. Fear that I'll never be happy.

How can I stop living a life filled with fear? As a child, we were scared of things we didn't know or didn't understand. We were scared of things that we imagined or perceived as a threat. We all outgrew fears of ghosts and monsters because as we got older we learned they weren't real. When you're 16 you're nervous as heck to get behind the wheel of your first car and learn how to drive. But once we got more familiar with that sensation we no longer were afraid to drive places we needed to go. All girls are scared of their first kiss, of their first time. But once you knew it was safe and you weren't going to get hurt it is incredibly enjoyable.

Does that mean that if I can start building a safety net I can stop being afraid and start being happy? Do I just have to get more experience, more knowledge? Is that really how simple it is?

The World Keeps Turning

It's that day. I've been on this Earth another year. I wish I could say I feel like I've been productive. I wish I could say I have learned some sort of life lessons. In reality, I don't feel any different today. In fact, I feel like I'm taking some steps backwards, and some steps forward... so I end up staying about the same.

I don't know if you need to make progress every single year though. There's always going to be ups and downs, right? If life was always looking up, by the time we pass away we'd all be billionaires with great families and lives.

Last year, my goal for the year was to be happier and healthier. As far as happier, I'd say I'm actually about the same. My relationship quickly plummeted in early June, looked very dismal until December. But since then it's been great. My career has been also on the right track. Not as great as it was the year before when I worked at Medtronic, but not anything to be ashamed of. My relationships with my family have been also progressing - I feel much closer to my extended family than ever thanks to Facebook.

Am I healthier? Well I only had one emergency room trip this past year. I've been generally eating better. I've lost a lot of weight since last year. I'm slightly less active. Physically though, I don't feel as weak, generally not as tired... I'd say overall better than the year before.

Do you think I should set more specific goals for this year? What should I focus on now that I'm 28?

Thought That Counts

Its getting close to that time of year. My birthday. My boyfriend told me last week that I'm the only person who ever gets him anything more than a lousy card and $20. My grandfather always gives me a sizable amount of money, my parents give me money too. But just once I'd really like someone to put some effort into getting me something. The time it takes to pick something I'd like, the anticipation of watching me open it and seeing my reaction. It's no wonder I feel like my family doesn't care. They don't know me well enough to think of one thing I'd want.

My boyfriend told me he was going to get me a nook (from Barnes and Noble) but that with unexpected expenses he wasn't going to be able to. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a nook. I'd love the shit out of it. He knows I miss reading, that I love to do it. But he doesn't know that the things I'd love from him cost way less than that.

I'd love if we had a nice dinner that I didn't cook. I'd love if we sat and talked. I'd love if he'd change his facebook status. I'd love if we made love instead of just had sex. All in all we're lookin at what, $50?

I'm not hard to please. In fact, theres no one easier to please. Because all I want is a little affection.

Breaking Point

The past week has been rough. The past several weeks have been rough. I plan on catching up on the blogs I've missed. I honestly have blog snippets and ideas stored on my G1 but haven't had a moments peace to complete and post them.

Why have they been so rough? I've been under incredible stress. I've been recalculating what I want to do with my life and where I want to go in my life. I've been thinking about what I want, what I need, what I demand. I've been contemplating who I want to spend my life with.

Honestly, yesterday I was on the verge of throwing in the towel. I had phone in hand, was going to find someone who could come rescue me from the depths of despair and bring me back to the safety net of my friends and family back home.

Then last night happened. Somehow it clicked in his head that I am a person with needs and feelings.

So our relationship is once again on the right path after a short detour.

Do you have a breaking point? What will you let a friend, lover, or family member get away with before you write them off for good?

A Moment's Peace

My day job is working technical support for a company that makes tax preparation software. This time of year, we're getting pretty swamped. Phone ringing off the hook. People waiting to get through. People frustrated, frazzled, tired. And they seem to like to take it out on me.

Somehow, I make it through. And yet I go from that to catering to my boyfriend's wants and needs. it's so rare that I get a moment to myself.

Today I decided enough was enough. I logged off my phone, I turned my cell to silent. Turned off my relaxing music CD. I wanted total silence.

And silence was what I got. I could hear the animals outside. I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I heard my innermost thoughts.

And it was you.

Financial Woes

A few days ago, I got a strange voicemail. It was from a law office, stating that they needed to get in contact me regarding a US Docket number something.

Scared the heck out of me. I've never been in trouble that seriously before.

Turns out it was a $650 loan I had defaulted on last August. The loan payments were coming out automatically from my checking account in Minnesota, which I closed. It was an honest mistake; I forgot the payment came out. One of my major weaknesses is that I am awful when it comes to budgeting. I used to work for a bank, it used to be my job to help people balance their checkbooks and I used to have to ask people if they had any recurring withdrawals before I could close their accounts. Why I didn't think about it for my own account, I don't know.

So the company I took out this loan through was preparing to sue me. Sue me over $650. Legal fees and costs would have been twice or three times that much. One phone call, and I had it all taken care of and paid in full, thus keeping my name clear of any lawsuits.

Then I started thinking. I have tons of other debts that are in collections. At what point do they decide to sue? Which companies will just write it off, and which will go to the next step?

I think I'm going to need to go over all my bill piles this weekend.

Inspiration

I got to thinking. I am the kind of person that sees beauty everywhere. Not like in American Beauty where he videotapes the plastic bag, but I do tend to stop and notice the small things in life. Today I saw a tree in bloom. I'm not sure what kind it was, but it had beautiful pink flowers. All the other trees around it were completely barren still. If it wasn't along the highway, and if I'd have had something other than my cell phone, I'd have stopped to take a picture. To see such amazing life in the midst of such symbolic death was inspiring.

I get moved by song lyrics, by movies, by old hand-written love notes. I love to read classic literature and dream of simpler times. My goal in life is to be happy, and be with someone who shares that goal.

On the other hand, some people get motivated by the thought of wealth, of power, of success, of fame. Possession of material goods drive their every action. I am in a relationship with someone who is more this type of person than I'd like, but it seems to work out for us. I don't mind giving him what he needs, and in return he gives me what I need.

What inspires you in your actions?