Having a conversation with a good friend today, I asked him, "why can't life just be simple?" I wasn't honestly expecting a real response. Usually when you ask that question the answer is something about how today's lifestyle just isn't compatible with living simply, or that life just is what it is. His answer kind of shook me up a bit.
"Because it hurts. Life is complicated because we make it complicated. Because we care too much about other people's feelings and not enough about our own. Because we are afraid, afraid to do the things that we know will make us happy."
If you've read my past blogs, you know I talk a lot about my problem caring about others more than myself. So the fact he brings that up made me think that maybe I'm not the only one with the problem. Is there really hope?
We are afraid. Hearing that word struck a chord within me. I do honestly live every moment in fear of something. Fear of losing my relationship, losing my health, losing my mind, losing my home. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing and of disappointment. Fear that I'll never be happy.
How can I stop living a life filled with fear? As a child, we were scared of things we didn't know or didn't understand. We were scared of things that we imagined or perceived as a threat. We all outgrew fears of ghosts and monsters because as we got older we learned they weren't real. When you're 16 you're nervous as heck to get behind the wheel of your first car and learn how to drive. But once we got more familiar with that sensation we no longer were afraid to drive places we needed to go. All girls are scared of their first kiss, of their first time. But once you knew it was safe and you weren't going to get hurt it is incredibly enjoyable.
Does that mean that if I can start building a safety net I can stop being afraid and start being happy? Do I just have to get more experience, more knowledge? Is that really how simple it is?
4.28.2010
4.26.2010
The World Keeps Turning
It's that day. I've been on this Earth another year. I wish I could say I feel like I've been productive. I wish I could say I have learned some sort of life lessons. In reality, I don't feel any different today. In fact, I feel like I'm taking some steps backwards, and some steps forward... so I end up staying about the same.
I don't know if you need to make progress every single year though. There's always going to be ups and downs, right? If life was always looking up, by the time we pass away we'd all be billionaires with great families and lives.
Last year, my goal for the year was to be happier and healthier. As far as happier, I'd say I'm actually about the same. My relationship quickly plummeted in early June, looked very dismal until December. But since then it's been great. My career has been also on the right track. Not as great as it was the year before when I worked at Medtronic, but not anything to be ashamed of. My relationships with my family have been also progressing - I feel much closer to my extended family than ever thanks to Facebook.
Am I healthier? Well I only had one emergency room trip this past year. I've been generally eating better. I've lost a lot of weight since last year. I'm slightly less active. Physically though, I don't feel as weak, generally not as tired... I'd say overall better than the year before.
Do you think I should set more specific goals for this year? What should I focus on now that I'm 28?
I don't know if you need to make progress every single year though. There's always going to be ups and downs, right? If life was always looking up, by the time we pass away we'd all be billionaires with great families and lives.
Last year, my goal for the year was to be happier and healthier. As far as happier, I'd say I'm actually about the same. My relationship quickly plummeted in early June, looked very dismal until December. But since then it's been great. My career has been also on the right track. Not as great as it was the year before when I worked at Medtronic, but not anything to be ashamed of. My relationships with my family have been also progressing - I feel much closer to my extended family than ever thanks to Facebook.
Am I healthier? Well I only had one emergency room trip this past year. I've been generally eating better. I've lost a lot of weight since last year. I'm slightly less active. Physically though, I don't feel as weak, generally not as tired... I'd say overall better than the year before.
Do you think I should set more specific goals for this year? What should I focus on now that I'm 28?
4.19.2010
Thought That Counts
Its getting close to that time of year. My birthday. My boyfriend told me last week that I'm the only person who ever gets him anything more than a lousy card and $20. My grandfather always gives me a sizable amount of money, my parents give me money too. But just once I'd really like someone to put some effort into getting me something. The time it takes to pick something I'd like, the anticipation of watching me open it and seeing my reaction. It's no wonder I feel like my family doesn't care. They don't know me well enough to think of one thing I'd want.
My boyfriend told me he was going to get me a nook (from Barnes and Noble) but that with unexpected expenses he wasn't going to be able to. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a nook. I'd love the shit out of it. He knows I miss reading, that I love to do it. But he doesn't know that the things I'd love from him cost way less than that.
I'd love if we had a nice dinner that I didn't cook. I'd love if we sat and talked. I'd love if he'd change his facebook status. I'd love if we made love instead of just had sex. All in all we're lookin at what, $50?
I'm not hard to please. In fact, theres no one easier to please. Because all I want is a little affection.
4.13.2010
Breaking Point
The past week has been rough. The past several weeks have been rough. I plan on catching up on the blogs I've missed. I honestly have blog snippets and ideas stored on my G1 but haven't had a moments peace to complete and post them.
Why have they been so rough? I've been under incredible stress. I've been recalculating what I want to do with my life and where I want to go in my life. I've been thinking about what I want, what I need, what I demand. I've been contemplating who I want to spend my life with.
Honestly, yesterday I was on the verge of throwing in the towel. I had phone in hand, was going to find someone who could come rescue me from the depths of despair and bring me back to the safety net of my friends and family back home.
Then last night happened. Somehow it clicked in his head that I am a person with needs and feelings.
So our relationship is once again on the right path after a short detour.
Do you have a breaking point? What will you let a friend, lover, or family member get away with before you write them off for good?
Why have they been so rough? I've been under incredible stress. I've been recalculating what I want to do with my life and where I want to go in my life. I've been thinking about what I want, what I need, what I demand. I've been contemplating who I want to spend my life with.
Honestly, yesterday I was on the verge of throwing in the towel. I had phone in hand, was going to find someone who could come rescue me from the depths of despair and bring me back to the safety net of my friends and family back home.
Then last night happened. Somehow it clicked in his head that I am a person with needs and feelings.
So our relationship is once again on the right path after a short detour.
Do you have a breaking point? What will you let a friend, lover, or family member get away with before you write them off for good?
4.11.2010
A Moment's Peace
My day job is working technical support for a company that makes tax preparation software. This time of year, we're getting pretty swamped. Phone ringing off the hook. People waiting to get through. People frustrated, frazzled, tired. And they seem to like to take it out on me.
Somehow, I make it through. And yet I go from that to catering to my boyfriend's wants and needs. it's so rare that I get a moment to myself.
Today I decided enough was enough. I logged off my phone, I turned my cell to silent. Turned off my relaxing music CD. I wanted total silence.
And silence was what I got. I could hear the animals outside. I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I heard my innermost thoughts.
And it was you.
Somehow, I make it through. And yet I go from that to catering to my boyfriend's wants and needs. it's so rare that I get a moment to myself.
Today I decided enough was enough. I logged off my phone, I turned my cell to silent. Turned off my relaxing music CD. I wanted total silence.
And silence was what I got. I could hear the animals outside. I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I heard my innermost thoughts.
And it was you.
4.02.2010
Financial Woes
A few days ago, I got a strange voicemail. It was from a law office, stating that they needed to get in contact me regarding a US Docket number something.
Scared the heck out of me. I've never been in trouble that seriously before.
Turns out it was a $650 loan I had defaulted on last August. The loan payments were coming out automatically from my checking account in Minnesota, which I closed. It was an honest mistake; I forgot the payment came out. One of my major weaknesses is that I am awful when it comes to budgeting. I used to work for a bank, it used to be my job to help people balance their checkbooks and I used to have to ask people if they had any recurring withdrawals before I could close their accounts. Why I didn't think about it for my own account, I don't know.
So the company I took out this loan through was preparing to sue me. Sue me over $650. Legal fees and costs would have been twice or three times that much. One phone call, and I had it all taken care of and paid in full, thus keeping my name clear of any lawsuits.
Then I started thinking. I have tons of other debts that are in collections. At what point do they decide to sue? Which companies will just write it off, and which will go to the next step?
I think I'm going to need to go over all my bill piles this weekend.
Scared the heck out of me. I've never been in trouble that seriously before.
Turns out it was a $650 loan I had defaulted on last August. The loan payments were coming out automatically from my checking account in Minnesota, which I closed. It was an honest mistake; I forgot the payment came out. One of my major weaknesses is that I am awful when it comes to budgeting. I used to work for a bank, it used to be my job to help people balance their checkbooks and I used to have to ask people if they had any recurring withdrawals before I could close their accounts. Why I didn't think about it for my own account, I don't know.
So the company I took out this loan through was preparing to sue me. Sue me over $650. Legal fees and costs would have been twice or three times that much. One phone call, and I had it all taken care of and paid in full, thus keeping my name clear of any lawsuits.
Then I started thinking. I have tons of other debts that are in collections. At what point do they decide to sue? Which companies will just write it off, and which will go to the next step?
I think I'm going to need to go over all my bill piles this weekend.
4.01.2010
Inspiration
I got to thinking. I am the kind of person that sees beauty everywhere. Not like in American Beauty where he videotapes the plastic bag, but I do tend to stop and notice the small things in life. Today I saw a tree in bloom. I'm not sure what kind it was, but it had beautiful pink flowers. All the other trees around it were completely barren still. If it wasn't along the highway, and if I'd have had something other than my cell phone, I'd have stopped to take a picture. To see such amazing life in the midst of such symbolic death was inspiring.
I get moved by song lyrics, by movies, by old hand-written love notes. I love to read classic literature and dream of simpler times. My goal in life is to be happy, and be with someone who shares that goal.
On the other hand, some people get motivated by the thought of wealth, of power, of success, of fame. Possession of material goods drive their every action. I am in a relationship with someone who is more this type of person than I'd like, but it seems to work out for us. I don't mind giving him what he needs, and in return he gives me what I need.
What inspires you in your actions?
I get moved by song lyrics, by movies, by old hand-written love notes. I love to read classic literature and dream of simpler times. My goal in life is to be happy, and be with someone who shares that goal.
On the other hand, some people get motivated by the thought of wealth, of power, of success, of fame. Possession of material goods drive their every action. I am in a relationship with someone who is more this type of person than I'd like, but it seems to work out for us. I don't mind giving him what he needs, and in return he gives me what I need.
What inspires you in your actions?
3.30.2010
Relationship, or just relating?
It's funny that these two words are so similar. One is fun, the other is dysfunctional. One is healthy, the other unhealthy. Your life may be filled with relationships, or you may just be relating to people. Its about how you interact with your partner, your family, your friends. Relationships are about giving and getting. You need to feel fulfilled, but also be mindful of what they are getting in return. I've learned the hard way that if you're doing all the giving all the time, you never feel full. Often, you give until you reach the point that you are literally empty. You're broke, you're stressed, you're tired, you're completely drained dry. How is that equal? How does that make you partners? How does family do that to one another?
I know people who are the total opposite of me. They have no problem taking until they're happy. They only come around when they need you or something from you. Those people may be temporarily satisfied, but once they realize you have nothing for them they're looking for their next score. They tend to seek out people like me, suck on me like leeches, then disappear once I hit bottom.
I'm honestly starting to doubt that there are people out there that don't fit into one of those categories.
3.20.2010
Letting Yourself Down
I was doing some serious thinking today and had a startling realization.
I spend literally 100% of my life trying to live up to what other people what or expect from me. I excel at work because my boss expects it of me. I do every little thing my friends and boyfriend want of me so I don't disappoint them. I keep my act together for everyone else's sake, not my own.
Why do I do this? Do I secretly like punishment? Do I like feeling like I never do enough for anyone?
I try not to let other people down because I've been letting myself down for ages.
I had potential to be something special. I had the ambition to be more than the average girl. I had all the skills, all the tools and I let it all go to waste. I tried in vain to figure out exactly when I lost that magic, but couldn't come up with an answer.
I made the most of the shambles that were left, and I think I did fairly well at that, but knowing it could have been a hundred times better weighs me down. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I feel it when I wake up every morning and my first thought is "Will today be the day I finally break under the pressure?"
I'm not trying to give myself a license to be a selfish human being. I'm just saying it's really about time I try to start living for myself and stop worrying so much about what other people need or want from me. The bridge of life can only hold so much weight before it crumbles into the sweeping river of despair.
Welcome to my new life.
I spend literally 100% of my life trying to live up to what other people what or expect from me. I excel at work because my boss expects it of me. I do every little thing my friends and boyfriend want of me so I don't disappoint them. I keep my act together for everyone else's sake, not my own.
Why do I do this? Do I secretly like punishment? Do I like feeling like I never do enough for anyone?
I try not to let other people down because I've been letting myself down for ages.
I had potential to be something special. I had the ambition to be more than the average girl. I had all the skills, all the tools and I let it all go to waste. I tried in vain to figure out exactly when I lost that magic, but couldn't come up with an answer.
I made the most of the shambles that were left, and I think I did fairly well at that, but knowing it could have been a hundred times better weighs me down. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I feel it when I wake up every morning and my first thought is "Will today be the day I finally break under the pressure?"
I'm not trying to give myself a license to be a selfish human being. I'm just saying it's really about time I try to start living for myself and stop worrying so much about what other people need or want from me. The bridge of life can only hold so much weight before it crumbles into the sweeping river of despair.
Welcome to my new life.
3.10.2010
Pinching Pennies
It's just a dumb penny.
It's just hundreds of dumb pennies.
They all add up, surprisingly quickly.
Bank of America offers the "Keep the Change" program. It's a pretty basic concept, when you buy something on your card, B of A rounds it up to the nearest dollar, putting the difference into your savings.
Well, my lousy credit means I don't qualify for that program. But I am doing it on my own with my NetSpend account, it just takes a little effort. On the 15th of the month, I log into my online account to review my transactions. I add up all the 'change' and transfer it to my savings. I'm proud to say I haven't touched that savings yet, and it's going to be enough pay for my Oklahoma state taxes that I need to pay by April 15th.
Once my taxes are paid off, I'm going to start saving that money as my emergency fund. It seems like every time I get a little bit ahead in life I get hit with some big unexpected expense. Car trouble, late paycheck, you name it I've been through it.
And you guessed it, I'm going to gather up all those pennies lying around my house and cash them in, and put that into the savings too.
What little things can you do to build up an emergency fund? Skip the latte three times a week and that's $60 a month! Small sacrifices can pay off in the long run.
It's just hundreds of dumb pennies.
They all add up, surprisingly quickly.
Bank of America offers the "Keep the Change" program. It's a pretty basic concept, when you buy something on your card, B of A rounds it up to the nearest dollar, putting the difference into your savings.
Well, my lousy credit means I don't qualify for that program. But I am doing it on my own with my NetSpend account, it just takes a little effort. On the 15th of the month, I log into my online account to review my transactions. I add up all the 'change' and transfer it to my savings. I'm proud to say I haven't touched that savings yet, and it's going to be enough pay for my Oklahoma state taxes that I need to pay by April 15th.
Once my taxes are paid off, I'm going to start saving that money as my emergency fund. It seems like every time I get a little bit ahead in life I get hit with some big unexpected expense. Car trouble, late paycheck, you name it I've been through it.
And you guessed it, I'm going to gather up all those pennies lying around my house and cash them in, and put that into the savings too.
What little things can you do to build up an emergency fund? Skip the latte three times a week and that's $60 a month! Small sacrifices can pay off in the long run.
3.09.2010
Stress and Relaxation
I'd say Americans in general are too stressed. Life is stressful! There's so many things to worry about now, it's not hard to believe that suicides are always rising. It's not hard to see why people are having heart attacks younger and younger, why they're overeating, why practically everyone has been on Prozac at one point or another.
I myself find that relaxing is not something I am able to do naturally. I am always wound up. I'm always on the brink of an anxiety attack. I can always feel when my blood pressure rises. One little spark and I'm going to blow like dynamite. Hell, I don't even get a good night's sleep most nights - the body's natural way of letting things go and healing itself.
Part of my quest to make my life happier and healthier is definitely to work on this facet of life.
I've started trying to do twenty to thirty minutes of yoga every morning, but even the thought of that stresses me out. My brain screams "I could be doing something else with that time, I should be doing something else with that time!" and I can't help but listen. Some days I win, but I'll admit that most I don't.
Just about the only thing I do find helps me unwind a little is taking hot showers. On stressful days I can take four or five showers. The hot water loosens my sore muscles. The sound of the water falling drowns out a lot of the thinking that never seems to stop.
I think if I could just have a vacation, it'd help... but really my life is almost like a vacation already. I work from home, I set my own hours. I choose to work a bazillion hours because we need the money, which makes me worry more, which makes me more stressed, which makes me want to not work. Its kind of a vicious cycle.
Anyone out there have any great relaxation tips or techniques I can fit into my hectic, car-less, low cost life? Cause I'm not having luck finding anything.
I myself find that relaxing is not something I am able to do naturally. I am always wound up. I'm always on the brink of an anxiety attack. I can always feel when my blood pressure rises. One little spark and I'm going to blow like dynamite. Hell, I don't even get a good night's sleep most nights - the body's natural way of letting things go and healing itself.
Part of my quest to make my life happier and healthier is definitely to work on this facet of life.
I've started trying to do twenty to thirty minutes of yoga every morning, but even the thought of that stresses me out. My brain screams "I could be doing something else with that time, I should be doing something else with that time!" and I can't help but listen. Some days I win, but I'll admit that most I don't.
Just about the only thing I do find helps me unwind a little is taking hot showers. On stressful days I can take four or five showers. The hot water loosens my sore muscles. The sound of the water falling drowns out a lot of the thinking that never seems to stop.
I think if I could just have a vacation, it'd help... but really my life is almost like a vacation already. I work from home, I set my own hours. I choose to work a bazillion hours because we need the money, which makes me worry more, which makes me more stressed, which makes me want to not work. Its kind of a vicious cycle.
Anyone out there have any great relaxation tips or techniques I can fit into my hectic, car-less, low cost life? Cause I'm not having luck finding anything.
3.08.2010
Missed Connections
You know you've seen that section in your newspaper. "Missed Connections" it says. It's always something like "I saw you in your car next to me on I-40 at 2:30pm near exit 66. I was in my silver Malibu, you were in a yellow Hummer. Call me 580-123-4567".
First of all, you're supposed to be paying attention to the road, not to the hottie in the Hummer. I don't really want to be on the roads knowing some idiot is about to rear end me in the not-good way because he was staring at some girls breasts.
Secondly, how is it a connection if you didn't actually have a conversation? I don't see the connection in my example unless you count the "we were in the same vicinity for a few miles" connection. But if you're going to base a whole relationship (or even a one-night stand) off that, why not save the money you spent on the stupid ad and just go stand on a corner? Outside your local bank? Near the police station? We all encounter tons of people on a daily basis. It's not something you should use as a factor in your decision making.
My point of my post today isn't to rip on people who find true love like that. I am a firm believer in fate. I met my boyfriend playing an online game, and we've been together (semi-successfully) for two years now. I'm just saying you can't expect anything serious based on looks alone.
On the other hand, "Missed Connections" is totally the place for things like "we were on a plane from LAX to MSP last Thursday. I gave you my window seat and we talked the whole trip but I never got your name, call me!" A real connection. You know you enjoyed each others company. You know that you at least have something or some real event in common.
Love at first sight is a myth. Lust or desire at first sight is totally real.
At least, that's my opinion.
"Missed Connections" hits me in a different way though. To me, it's taught me to cherish every interaction I have with others, or at a minimum always to be courteous and polite. My coworkers right now are all virtual. I've never met any of them in person. I know their voices from our phone conference trainings, I've seen pictures of some of them on Facebook. But I feel connected to them. We spend all day in a chat room to discuss our current calls if we're having trouble, but it sometimes ends up going to discussions about family or location since we're all over the country. It isn't quite the same as having breakfast daily with your coworker best friends, but it's better than working alone.
How do you feel about "Missed Connections"? Overused, or useful? What would your ad say?
First of all, you're supposed to be paying attention to the road, not to the hottie in the Hummer. I don't really want to be on the roads knowing some idiot is about to rear end me in the not-good way because he was staring at some girls breasts.
Secondly, how is it a connection if you didn't actually have a conversation? I don't see the connection in my example unless you count the "we were in the same vicinity for a few miles" connection. But if you're going to base a whole relationship (or even a one-night stand) off that, why not save the money you spent on the stupid ad and just go stand on a corner? Outside your local bank? Near the police station? We all encounter tons of people on a daily basis. It's not something you should use as a factor in your decision making.
My point of my post today isn't to rip on people who find true love like that. I am a firm believer in fate. I met my boyfriend playing an online game, and we've been together (semi-successfully) for two years now. I'm just saying you can't expect anything serious based on looks alone.
On the other hand, "Missed Connections" is totally the place for things like "we were on a plane from LAX to MSP last Thursday. I gave you my window seat and we talked the whole trip but I never got your name, call me!" A real connection. You know you enjoyed each others company. You know that you at least have something or some real event in common.
Love at first sight is a myth. Lust or desire at first sight is totally real.
At least, that's my opinion.
"Missed Connections" hits me in a different way though. To me, it's taught me to cherish every interaction I have with others, or at a minimum always to be courteous and polite. My coworkers right now are all virtual. I've never met any of them in person. I know their voices from our phone conference trainings, I've seen pictures of some of them on Facebook. But I feel connected to them. We spend all day in a chat room to discuss our current calls if we're having trouble, but it sometimes ends up going to discussions about family or location since we're all over the country. It isn't quite the same as having breakfast daily with your coworker best friends, but it's better than working alone.
How do you feel about "Missed Connections"? Overused, or useful? What would your ad say?
3.07.2010
My Biggest Weakness
Those of you who know me in real life know that I'm not normally one to bring up anything. I'll never tell you to your face if you're getting fat. I'll never tell you that you smell worse than my two year old nephew's dirty pull-up. I'll never tell you that your boyfriend is worse than a scumbag. It's just not me to say out loud what's on my mind.
This has saved me from a lot of arguments in my life. Non-confrontational should be my middle name. I avoid fights at all costs.
This means that people sometimes assume I'm a good listener. It's true. I do listen very well. I empathize like no one else can. I also have this thing where I'm a horrible secret keeper and a horrible liar. Plain, uncensored truth is my game.
That also means that I get walked on a lot. I get used. Even by people who supposedly love me. It isn't their fault, really. I make it easy on them. I let people get away with cheating on me. I let them get away with borrowing obscene amounts of money and never paying me back.
It all stems back to my desperate need to be liked. If I always give everyone what they want, then they like me.
But then it hit me like lightning strikes a lightning rod.
When is someone going to give me what I want?
I don't ask a lot from my friends, my boyfriend or my family. All I want is to be loved and appreciated. There's so many different ways to show me that, that it's hard to believe that I normally feel like an unwanted piece of garbage. And yet, I find myself crying in bed after my boyfriend is asleep.
One of my goals is to stop this cycle. I'm going to stop always giving in to what everyone else wants. I'm going to start openly asking for what I want. It's about time to stop the hurting and start enjoying what I have.
What is your biggest weakness? How can you overcome it?
This has saved me from a lot of arguments in my life. Non-confrontational should be my middle name. I avoid fights at all costs.
This means that people sometimes assume I'm a good listener. It's true. I do listen very well. I empathize like no one else can. I also have this thing where I'm a horrible secret keeper and a horrible liar. Plain, uncensored truth is my game.
That also means that I get walked on a lot. I get used. Even by people who supposedly love me. It isn't their fault, really. I make it easy on them. I let people get away with cheating on me. I let them get away with borrowing obscene amounts of money and never paying me back.
It all stems back to my desperate need to be liked. If I always give everyone what they want, then they like me.
But then it hit me like lightning strikes a lightning rod.
When is someone going to give me what I want?
I don't ask a lot from my friends, my boyfriend or my family. All I want is to be loved and appreciated. There's so many different ways to show me that, that it's hard to believe that I normally feel like an unwanted piece of garbage. And yet, I find myself crying in bed after my boyfriend is asleep.
One of my goals is to stop this cycle. I'm going to stop always giving in to what everyone else wants. I'm going to start openly asking for what I want. It's about time to stop the hurting and start enjoying what I have.
What is your biggest weakness? How can you overcome it?
3.06.2010
Parenting with Love and Logic
Love and Logic. Sounds like a pretty great way to raise a kid, right?
I bought the books a few years ago. My daughter has always been as close to perfect as you can expect an eight year old to be. She gets a little emotional at times, but honestly all you need to do is give her a Kleenex and she's right as rain again. She never acts up in stores, is polite, is smart, is intelligent.
So why would I buy these books?
My nephews are really bad kids.
I say that as an understatement. They are the worst kids I have ever encountered. It really isn't their fault. My oldest nephew is 7 and has lived in literally 15 different places. There have been times that they've been homeless and couch surfing, there are times that they've been eating ramen noodles and dry cereal. There are times when he hasn't had clean clothes, times when people have been shot outside their apartment. There are times my sister and her boyfriend have been on too many drugs or too drunk to really parent them, there are times when my sister and her boyfriend have been screaming at each other in all hours of the night. That will take a toll on a child, for sure.
My youngest nephew is going on 3. His vocabulary is extremely lacking. He has little to no attention span. We suspect he has a hearing problem but hasn't been to a doctor to have it checked out.
I'm not saying that these kids are being neglected, because my sister does make sure their basic needs are met. But their quality of life is pretty poor.
What does that have to do with me and my life other than it being my family?
I am going to start trying the tips from the Love and Logic series on my nephew. I may have him without my sister for the next 10-12 weeks or so, enough to make a difference in his life. Hopefully I can turn this kids life around so when he goes back to his mom and dad he is a more well-adjusted kid. Plus, since I plan on having a few more of my own soon I'll have the routine down cold.
How far would you go to help your family? Would you take on parenting a sibling's child if the need arose? Am I getting in over my head?
I bought the books a few years ago. My daughter has always been as close to perfect as you can expect an eight year old to be. She gets a little emotional at times, but honestly all you need to do is give her a Kleenex and she's right as rain again. She never acts up in stores, is polite, is smart, is intelligent.
So why would I buy these books?
My nephews are really bad kids.
I say that as an understatement. They are the worst kids I have ever encountered. It really isn't their fault. My oldest nephew is 7 and has lived in literally 15 different places. There have been times that they've been homeless and couch surfing, there are times that they've been eating ramen noodles and dry cereal. There are times when he hasn't had clean clothes, times when people have been shot outside their apartment. There are times my sister and her boyfriend have been on too many drugs or too drunk to really parent them, there are times when my sister and her boyfriend have been screaming at each other in all hours of the night. That will take a toll on a child, for sure.
My youngest nephew is going on 3. His vocabulary is extremely lacking. He has little to no attention span. We suspect he has a hearing problem but hasn't been to a doctor to have it checked out.
I'm not saying that these kids are being neglected, because my sister does make sure their basic needs are met. But their quality of life is pretty poor.
What does that have to do with me and my life other than it being my family?
I am going to start trying the tips from the Love and Logic series on my nephew. I may have him without my sister for the next 10-12 weeks or so, enough to make a difference in his life. Hopefully I can turn this kids life around so when he goes back to his mom and dad he is a more well-adjusted kid. Plus, since I plan on having a few more of my own soon I'll have the routine down cold.
How far would you go to help your family? Would you take on parenting a sibling's child if the need arose? Am I getting in over my head?
3.05.2010
Men of a Certain Age - and Women Too
Recently I started watching this show on TNT, "Men of a Certain Age." It has Ray Romano, Scott Bakula and Andre Braugher. Going in to it, I had pictured it to be humorous. I mean, come on a show about three men and the struggles of middle-age? But after the first few episodes I found it to be a show I could really relate to. I'm not middle-aged yet, but I'm quickly approaching thirty.
Thirty years old. I've accomplished practically nothing. I've been through a lot, yes. But actually honestly accomplished anything important? Not even close.
So today I'm going to make a list of things I want to accomplish in one year, five years and ten years. Sometimes its helpful to list these things out so you can see them and keep them in your mind, and review them as needed.
One Year:
Have a stronger relationship with my boyfriend
Be enrolled in college to get my dietitian degree
Knit at least one blanket
Have a garden that I am proud of (that doesn't have dead plants)
Five Years:
Be done with my dietitian degree
And be working in that field - either independently or for a hospital/VA
Be married
Have more kids
Write and have a book published
Be debt free
Ten Years:
Be healthy and happy
Be able to take time and travel with my family
Have substantial retirement savings in place
Take the time to make that list, you'll really figure a lot out about yourself as you do it.
Thirty years old. I've accomplished practically nothing. I've been through a lot, yes. But actually honestly accomplished anything important? Not even close.
So today I'm going to make a list of things I want to accomplish in one year, five years and ten years. Sometimes its helpful to list these things out so you can see them and keep them in your mind, and review them as needed.
One Year:
Have a stronger relationship with my boyfriend
Be enrolled in college to get my dietitian degree
Knit at least one blanket
Have a garden that I am proud of (that doesn't have dead plants)
Five Years:
Be done with my dietitian degree
And be working in that field - either independently or for a hospital/VA
Be married
Have more kids
Write and have a book published
Be debt free
Ten Years:
Be healthy and happy
Be able to take time and travel with my family
Have substantial retirement savings in place
Take the time to make that list, you'll really figure a lot out about yourself as you do it.
3.04.2010
Motivation is a Bloodsucking Leech
I can honestly say I think this is the longest I think I've stuck with anything. Having Borderline Personality Disorder and being Bi-Polar, I tend to start things and give them up fairly easily. Today I almost gave up this blog. Here it is already 6:30 in the evening and I just now am firing this thing up.
Typically I lose interest when I either find out I'm not good at something, or I find out that it isn't as exciting as people make it out to be. Either way, I lose that high that you get when you're satisfied. What got me on here tonight is knowing that I'd be disappointed in myself if I didn't make an entry today.
Today I brought my sister in to apply for assistance from the county. While we were there, the case worker told my sister about a pretty amazing program that is offered through a few of the local area nursing homes. It's basically a seminar that once you take it you can become a certified CNA. Faster, and less expensive than college but still allows you to start working in that field.
That got me to thinking. I've wanted to become a dietitian for a long time; ever since I had to work with one after my heart attack. I got a Food and Nutrition certification, but I really want to be a Registered Dietitian. It was another thing that I started and gave up on. So this afternoon in my down time between calls for work I started to look into going to school to complete this dream. I found a few places and put in applications. I'll need to still fill out my FAFSA and so on, but it's one step closer to my goal than I was yesterday.
What goal did you give up on that you can begin to strive for again?
Typically I lose interest when I either find out I'm not good at something, or I find out that it isn't as exciting as people make it out to be. Either way, I lose that high that you get when you're satisfied. What got me on here tonight is knowing that I'd be disappointed in myself if I didn't make an entry today.
Today I brought my sister in to apply for assistance from the county. While we were there, the case worker told my sister about a pretty amazing program that is offered through a few of the local area nursing homes. It's basically a seminar that once you take it you can become a certified CNA. Faster, and less expensive than college but still allows you to start working in that field.
That got me to thinking. I've wanted to become a dietitian for a long time; ever since I had to work with one after my heart attack. I got a Food and Nutrition certification, but I really want to be a Registered Dietitian. It was another thing that I started and gave up on. So this afternoon in my down time between calls for work I started to look into going to school to complete this dream. I found a few places and put in applications. I'll need to still fill out my FAFSA and so on, but it's one step closer to my goal than I was yesterday.
What goal did you give up on that you can begin to strive for again?
3.03.2010
Even The Little Things Count
I knew that today was going to be rough. I was scheduled for a 10 hour shift, I needed to run my sister to the County Health Services building so she can try to get assistance. I woke up with a stomach ache which was not helped by my Long John Silver's lunch. I needed to pick my boyfriend up from work when he got off. Overall, an action packed day.
Naturally, it had me stressed out. How on Earth was I going to balance everything I needed to do today and also have time for the things I want to do?
The answer was simple. Today, I don't need to make any major life changes. I don't need to do something completely immeasurable to better myself. Today, I'm going to be ok with a small change. Because drops of water when added together form the world's largest oceans. Because puzzles are made up of tiny pieces. Because one thing leads to another, and to another, and to another.
So my small goals for tonight are simple. Get my taxes done. Make a delicious and nutritious dinner. Shouldn't be too hard, and yet it still counts as getting things accomplished.
Do you think doing one or two things in a hectic day should count? Or should I try to get some of my more major to-dos done?
Naturally, it had me stressed out. How on Earth was I going to balance everything I needed to do today and also have time for the things I want to do?
The answer was simple. Today, I don't need to make any major life changes. I don't need to do something completely immeasurable to better myself. Today, I'm going to be ok with a small change. Because drops of water when added together form the world's largest oceans. Because puzzles are made up of tiny pieces. Because one thing leads to another, and to another, and to another.
So my small goals for tonight are simple. Get my taxes done. Make a delicious and nutritious dinner. Shouldn't be too hard, and yet it still counts as getting things accomplished.
Do you think doing one or two things in a hectic day should count? Or should I try to get some of my more major to-dos done?
3.02.2010
Thinking Before You Act
Thinking before you act is harder than it sounds. I mean really you HAVE to think before you act, but not always consciously. I think that is one of the things I don't like about myself. I really do have a tendency to leap before I look.
For example, my sister and her boyfriend and their two kids are currently living with me and my boyfriend. They were being evicted, they barely had jobs (my sister was getting two hours a week). My nephew hadn't gone to school in days because their car was repossessed and they couldn't get him there. They were on a fast track to Nowheresville. So I, being the big sister, welcomed them into my home. It's been a huge fiasco. I work from home and the nature of my job requires a quiet work environment. Tell that to a two year old! They didn't have a vehicle to bring down, so their search for jobs is not going well. My sister's source of income has been cut, they have no one else to help them but me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I can at least help with a roof over their heads and food to eat but my boyfriend and I have financial goals as well. I just wasn't prepared to reap the consequences of my actions.
Another way I act without thinking is with what I eat. Being certified in Fitness and Nutrition I know that what I eat is total garbage. But it just tastes so good! I am totally guilty of eating when I'm bored, eating when I'm depressed, eating at mealtimes even if I'm not hungry, going through four to six cans of soda a day... it's like it's built into my subconscious to do that. I am proud to say I am defeating this demon and my body is thanking me.
It's weird though, that I also am guilty of the extreme opposite. When something is bothering me I am one to keep it bottled inside; think about it for hours, days, even weeks. Even then I may not share it. I think about it too much instead of just going with it. That might single-handedly be what destroys my relationships. But I can honestly say I'm making progress on this one too. I actually got out some things that had been bothering me and it was a huge relief.
In what ways do you act without thinking? Or think too much?
For example, my sister and her boyfriend and their two kids are currently living with me and my boyfriend. They were being evicted, they barely had jobs (my sister was getting two hours a week). My nephew hadn't gone to school in days because their car was repossessed and they couldn't get him there. They were on a fast track to Nowheresville. So I, being the big sister, welcomed them into my home. It's been a huge fiasco. I work from home and the nature of my job requires a quiet work environment. Tell that to a two year old! They didn't have a vehicle to bring down, so their search for jobs is not going well. My sister's source of income has been cut, they have no one else to help them but me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I can at least help with a roof over their heads and food to eat but my boyfriend and I have financial goals as well. I just wasn't prepared to reap the consequences of my actions.
Another way I act without thinking is with what I eat. Being certified in Fitness and Nutrition I know that what I eat is total garbage. But it just tastes so good! I am totally guilty of eating when I'm bored, eating when I'm depressed, eating at mealtimes even if I'm not hungry, going through four to six cans of soda a day... it's like it's built into my subconscious to do that. I am proud to say I am defeating this demon and my body is thanking me.
It's weird though, that I also am guilty of the extreme opposite. When something is bothering me I am one to keep it bottled inside; think about it for hours, days, even weeks. Even then I may not share it. I think about it too much instead of just going with it. That might single-handedly be what destroys my relationships. But I can honestly say I'm making progress on this one too. I actually got out some things that had been bothering me and it was a huge relief.
In what ways do you act without thinking? Or think too much?
3.01.2010
And so it begins
I can't say I've lived a perfect life. Hell, I can't say I've even lived close to a perfect life. As my boyfriend thoroughly enjoys telling me, "No one is perfect, so you shouldn't be so down on yourself when you don't meet that magical 'criteria'. Just try your best and that's all anyone can ever ask of you."
Sometimes I think he just doesn't understand me. Sometimes I think he just wants to cover for his own shortcomings. But every now and then, I understand what he's trying to say.
So, my goal for the next year is not to lose fifty pounds (although it'd be nice), save several thousand dollars (which also would be fabulous), save the world (never gonna happen unfortunately) or any other unachievable goal. My goal is to do something healthy every day. Something for my mind, body, or life goals.
And on that note, why stop at a year? Why not go on forever? If perfection is not attainable, doesn't that make it something to always strive for?
I want to inspire others to join me on my quest to be a better person. The potential rewards are limited only by you.
Sometimes I think he just doesn't understand me. Sometimes I think he just wants to cover for his own shortcomings. But every now and then, I understand what he's trying to say.
So, my goal for the next year is not to lose fifty pounds (although it'd be nice), save several thousand dollars (which also would be fabulous), save the world (never gonna happen unfortunately) or any other unachievable goal. My goal is to do something healthy every day. Something for my mind, body, or life goals.
And on that note, why stop at a year? Why not go on forever? If perfection is not attainable, doesn't that make it something to always strive for?
I want to inspire others to join me on my quest to be a better person. The potential rewards are limited only by you.
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